when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
