I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
