I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
