i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
