I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
