she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize