There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
