"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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