Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
