You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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