he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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