i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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