Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
