you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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