if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
