There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
