I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
