I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
