i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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