At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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