I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
