she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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