nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
