There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
