i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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