why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
