New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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