Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
