She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
