there's paper in my vomit.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
