Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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