I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
