opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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