paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
