i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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