Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
