Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
