He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
