he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You are a genius and a whore.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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