I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
