I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
