I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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