If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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