her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
