btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who died my cat blue again?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
