fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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