I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I need help removing her.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize