Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
