Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
