I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
