I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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