I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
