I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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