it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
