: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
