You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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