Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
