I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm just crazy horny about you
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
