The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
