FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
