I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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