we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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